I was hesitating quite a bit to write this down. But after giving it much thought, I suppose I do need to vent it out of my system, so... here goes.

I am a defensive person. This I admit. Despite what I constantly think that I am a open person where criticisms are always open to me, that is only what I want to be. In reality, I think I'm still far from that, and that sometimes comments really get to me and grind inside my heart and mind.

This I admit. And I think this stems from the insecurities I face and the walls I build around myself. I don't trust easily, despite what people might think about me in school. Yeah, I mean, sure, I don't mind conversing with people I barely know in school, but (forgive me for being self-conceited for saying my next line) there will always be a line, or a border, between them and me. I don't see the point in letting them get to know me much. But, when they really break through those walls I tend to build, like say, being there for me when I was really at my pits and needed someone to be there for me (despite my constant thoughts that I am fine alone. However, that is also, sadly, another thing I only want myself to be). These awesome people then become my best friends and confidante, in which I'm pretty sure the system goes the same for everyone else.

These are the people I trust to tell them things, and most of them are actually not my family members. Usually people are much closer to their family members instead of others, but somehow, just somehow (excuse me for my constant usage of the word and lack of vocabulary), I don't just seem to like it that way. You live with your family, they know you inside out, they understand you, know your flaws, your flaws that can be used against you. That's not what fits me. I don't know, it just... feels weird that your parents know you that well. Yes, I am aware that some stranger might be reading this and may use this to attack a 'vulnerable' typical teenager like me, but I am aware of what I'm typing here, and you might deem me as a stupid insipid girl for typing those 'I don't trust easily' words and thinking those who say so are usually like that, but trust me, that's not how I am. Or at least, I hope that I'm not.

I digress. Coming back to my point, I just find it weird if my parents know me so well. And that they know what I'm thinking yet I don't know their thoughts. I find that extremely unfair. I'm like that. If someone actually gets to know me at the back of their hand, I have to know them well too, so that we're even. But of course, this sometimes doesn't apply to my besties, because I trust them that they won't do anything to me once they get past my defences. It's a strange thing, I know. I don't trust easily, and if someone actually earned my trust, they could really so easily turn me upside down and affect me so much in a way they will never know.

Not saying that I give my parents the cold shoulder or something. Hell, I love them despite their dysfunctional ways: my dad's constant irritating ways just to get my attention, my mum's crazy mood swings and biting comments when she's in a foul mood and my brother's bitchy annoying childish antics. Heck, my first best friend was my own sister for god's sake! She knows me quite well, and we constantly curse at each other and tell each other to go fuck a cow or something of that sort just for the fun of it, something we never ever show other people. We are that random, and uncouth when we're alone, yes. But all I'm saying is that there will always be a fine line between me as well as my privacy and my family, because I live with them my whole life.

Okay, I strayed from my main point. Backtracking to my main point, as a result of my defences, I tend to love the things that I let in more than ever, because they are precious to me. Like my eyes. Fine, I didn't let them in, they were already a part of me when I was born, but something back in my younger years made me realise that they, along with my limbs (especially my hands), ears and the whole body are very important to me, something to do with an artist I guess. I mean, how will I get to draw and paint if I lose my hands, or my sight? How will I be able to enjoy songs if I lose my sense of hearing? Or listen to my friends speak? So yeah, this sort of increased my awareness to love myself (despite it sounding very much like a self-absorbed staement) more so I can always do what I want and fulfil my dreams, because they help me in doing it.

So, it is only natural that I get paranoid when I am going through an eye check-up, right? I am sorry that I can't live up to your expectations and actually let the doctor/assistant do his goddamned check-up or something, you know, testing my eye pressure by blowing a gust of 'harmless' air into my eyes. I just can't bear to let my eyes go through that. I know that it's necessary, but I only have a pair of eyes to see, and once they're gone (heaven forbid), I've got no more to help me see. I know I'm really paranoid, but I'm just scared. I don't care if you see me as a pathetic girl, but I'm just defending my eyes! I can't care any less when you said 'I had younger girls that you that went through this, so don't be afraid', because dude, my eyes are far more important to me than some stupid inferiority complex pride thing! The only time this sort of immature competiton kicks in is when they outdo me in academics or something that I have nothing to lose, and that's when, depending on the situation and serious-ness of it, it gets personal. But to cause risk to something dear to me just because of pride, I'm not that low. I still retain my sensibility and ability to think, despite my loony, crazy actions most of the time. I know, I know, thousands and gazillions of people have been through it, so why can't I? But, like I said, it's the defences. I'm paranoid like that. And I think if I were to change that quality I have in me, I would definitely lose a lot more that I'll miss while I gain only a teeny weeny bit.

I'm still not ready to change this fact of me, despite it seeming to be a negative trait. If possible, I'd like to hold on to this longer, because even though it has its minuses, it does have its pluses to not trust people so easily and form attachments so fast before you could even say 'go'. But what's most important is flexibility I guess, so that you still get to blend in to society despite your very fine line between your privacy and the public.

And that's all for my rant. It's amazing if you've managed to read till here and haven't fall asleep in the process. Here, virtual cookie for you.

she's searching for her own shoes to find a way back to her own self again.

Finally, a small break from those evil booksssssssss...... Yeah, hear them hiss. Like snakes. Looking down at the poor possum. Baring its fangs. Instilling fear. Waitng to strike.

Roar.

Haha.

Okay, that was stupid. Anyways, UFI is over, thank god. now I can go on and do some of the things I've been wanting to do forever, until procrastination kicks in again. Bleh.

There are two movies currently in my mind that I plan to watch: Black Swan and I am Number Four.

But, before I actually watch the latter, I will read the book first. Like how I did with Percy Jackson. At least the book got me a really good impression of the series, or else I think if I watched the movie first I would've needed a barf bag.

Ish, exams screwed up my brain. I can't even write a decent post.


I await tonight's bedtime. Ahh, finally, sleep without worries.

:DDDD

I know it's the term-test period, buttttttt...................

I am human. And my art of temptation resistance has not reached perfection. Yet.

Anyhooooos, this song (and video, cue the side effects) has made me smile so much and gone so loony (in a great way, needless to say) that I'm writing like some silly girl still way back in Valentine's Day mood.

You'd be an idiot to not smile at least once during this remarkable video.

Googled Gayle Forman's upcoming book after submitting to my itchy fingers, opened a few tabs of review pages at the same time, but somehow, I just couldn't spoil it for myself. And so, I clicked on the red button on the right top corner and went here to type my frustrations away.

Bleh.

Please please please please MPH or Popular GET THE FREAKING BOOK HERE IN STUPID JB BY AUGUST!!!!!! Don't know if Singapore would have it by then or not, but even if they do, I doubt I can make the trip there even though it's only a bridge away. Gah.

Next time. When I'm grown up. Next time. Next time.

Caught a few words here and there, but I forced myself to look away. Yay, I'm proud of myself for not spoiling the book. Yeah, I WILL NOT SPOIL THE BOOK FOR MYSELF!!! ROAR! PERSERVERANCE!!!!!!

Speaking of books, Delirium by Lauren Oliver caught my eye. A trilogy. First book. Released 01.02.2011. Adding it to my to-buy list. Check.


Vocaloid is awesome.



Now, homework.

We age. It's only human that we do.

12022011

In life, we are only sixteen once.

Spent the last morning of me being sixteen jogging 3.8 km in Kolam Air. Okay, well, I didn't really jog the whole way, I don't have that sort of stamina, but I did try to make the effort, and I'm quite pleased with myself I suppose.

Will spend the rest of the day with Chinese and Add Maths. How sad.


I wonder what's in store for me at night.

-

The anime and manga universe lost one of the greatest characters ever created and lived when Ichimaru Gin died.because Tite Kubo is one big sob to kill him off. the **


I feel so sad, like I just want the world to disappear. I don't know why. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
The only thing that's keeping me from breaking now is pride.

the tears it bleeds

Down with the flu, and thanks to that, I have totally forgotten what I had in mind for the past few days to write in a new blog post. Something about my revived passion for fanfic reading and the mysterious rain plaguing the state, I think. Sheesh, this cold's really gotten in my head to the point where I can't think straight, and has even slowed down my typing, as seeing I need to frequently glance down at the keyboard as I press the keys.

God damn this unholy disease. Curse you you stupid flu. If you actually had the balls and materialised in front of me this instant, I will personally kill you in the slowest, most painful way ever.

Wait, scratch that, imagine a whole snot-mucus-skinned disgusting man vapourising in front of you, I think not. Just stay where you are you insufferable disease. Wait, no. Don't stay where you are, that'll mean you'll forever be in my freaking nose, get the hell away and invade Mars goddamn it, stop bullying Earth. Idiot.


Moving on, CNY has been some busy shit, didn't really have the time to touch the computer until today. Sad. Well, okay, I didn't switch it on because the broadband wasn't working until yesterday evening. Dad forgot the bills, but he settled it before we went to our uncle's house which said trip lasted until pretty late at night, and I was just too much of a lazyass to use the computer. Meh.

Actually, I was using the iPod to go online and read stories, but that was all. No other sites visited, I swear. Scout's honour.

CNY has barely passed, but the holidays are ending. So devastating. I haven't even lived the days to the fullest! And the shitload of homework is not touched yet!


I'm screwed.