I was hesitating quite a bit to write this down. But after giving it much thought, I suppose I do need to vent it out of my system, so... here goes.

I am a defensive person. This I admit. Despite what I constantly think that I am a open person where criticisms are always open to me, that is only what I want to be. In reality, I think I'm still far from that, and that sometimes comments really get to me and grind inside my heart and mind.

This I admit. And I think this stems from the insecurities I face and the walls I build around myself. I don't trust easily, despite what people might think about me in school. Yeah, I mean, sure, I don't mind conversing with people I barely know in school, but (forgive me for being self-conceited for saying my next line) there will always be a line, or a border, between them and me. I don't see the point in letting them get to know me much. But, when they really break through those walls I tend to build, like say, being there for me when I was really at my pits and needed someone to be there for me (despite my constant thoughts that I am fine alone. However, that is also, sadly, another thing I only want myself to be). These awesome people then become my best friends and confidante, in which I'm pretty sure the system goes the same for everyone else.

These are the people I trust to tell them things, and most of them are actually not my family members. Usually people are much closer to their family members instead of others, but somehow, just somehow (excuse me for my constant usage of the word and lack of vocabulary), I don't just seem to like it that way. You live with your family, they know you inside out, they understand you, know your flaws, your flaws that can be used against you. That's not what fits me. I don't know, it just... feels weird that your parents know you that well. Yes, I am aware that some stranger might be reading this and may use this to attack a 'vulnerable' typical teenager like me, but I am aware of what I'm typing here, and you might deem me as a stupid insipid girl for typing those 'I don't trust easily' words and thinking those who say so are usually like that, but trust me, that's not how I am. Or at least, I hope that I'm not.

I digress. Coming back to my point, I just find it weird if my parents know me so well. And that they know what I'm thinking yet I don't know their thoughts. I find that extremely unfair. I'm like that. If someone actually gets to know me at the back of their hand, I have to know them well too, so that we're even. But of course, this sometimes doesn't apply to my besties, because I trust them that they won't do anything to me once they get past my defences. It's a strange thing, I know. I don't trust easily, and if someone actually earned my trust, they could really so easily turn me upside down and affect me so much in a way they will never know.

Not saying that I give my parents the cold shoulder or something. Hell, I love them despite their dysfunctional ways: my dad's constant irritating ways just to get my attention, my mum's crazy mood swings and biting comments when she's in a foul mood and my brother's bitchy annoying childish antics. Heck, my first best friend was my own sister for god's sake! She knows me quite well, and we constantly curse at each other and tell each other to go fuck a cow or something of that sort just for the fun of it, something we never ever show other people. We are that random, and uncouth when we're alone, yes. But all I'm saying is that there will always be a fine line between me as well as my privacy and my family, because I live with them my whole life.

Okay, I strayed from my main point. Backtracking to my main point, as a result of my defences, I tend to love the things that I let in more than ever, because they are precious to me. Like my eyes. Fine, I didn't let them in, they were already a part of me when I was born, but something back in my younger years made me realise that they, along with my limbs (especially my hands), ears and the whole body are very important to me, something to do with an artist I guess. I mean, how will I get to draw and paint if I lose my hands, or my sight? How will I be able to enjoy songs if I lose my sense of hearing? Or listen to my friends speak? So yeah, this sort of increased my awareness to love myself (despite it sounding very much like a self-absorbed staement) more so I can always do what I want and fulfil my dreams, because they help me in doing it.

So, it is only natural that I get paranoid when I am going through an eye check-up, right? I am sorry that I can't live up to your expectations and actually let the doctor/assistant do his goddamned check-up or something, you know, testing my eye pressure by blowing a gust of 'harmless' air into my eyes. I just can't bear to let my eyes go through that. I know that it's necessary, but I only have a pair of eyes to see, and once they're gone (heaven forbid), I've got no more to help me see. I know I'm really paranoid, but I'm just scared. I don't care if you see me as a pathetic girl, but I'm just defending my eyes! I can't care any less when you said 'I had younger girls that you that went through this, so don't be afraid', because dude, my eyes are far more important to me than some stupid inferiority complex pride thing! The only time this sort of immature competiton kicks in is when they outdo me in academics or something that I have nothing to lose, and that's when, depending on the situation and serious-ness of it, it gets personal. But to cause risk to something dear to me just because of pride, I'm not that low. I still retain my sensibility and ability to think, despite my loony, crazy actions most of the time. I know, I know, thousands and gazillions of people have been through it, so why can't I? But, like I said, it's the defences. I'm paranoid like that. And I think if I were to change that quality I have in me, I would definitely lose a lot more that I'll miss while I gain only a teeny weeny bit.

I'm still not ready to change this fact of me, despite it seeming to be a negative trait. If possible, I'd like to hold on to this longer, because even though it has its minuses, it does have its pluses to not trust people so easily and form attachments so fast before you could even say 'go'. But what's most important is flexibility I guess, so that you still get to blend in to society despite your very fine line between your privacy and the public.

And that's all for my rant. It's amazing if you've managed to read till here and haven't fall asleep in the process. Here, virtual cookie for you.