Rantspace blackhole

*31/7 edit* THis was previously unpublished because someone I confided in told me not to tell anyone about this, but right now, since my blog's off public-hands, I'm posting it because I don't really like typing what I feel andkeeping it unposted. For me, it feels idiotic, because since I have the guts to write this, why don't I have the guts to post it? Anyways, yeah, whatever.
Enjoy my rant-slash-the dark side of my life. *edit note fin*

Major rant and teenage related problems ahead. Beware, you've been warned.

Something happened in chemistry today, and it honestly got me thinking for the whole day....

Who am I exactly?

Okay, before you launch off into judgmental note about me being some attention-seeking, undecided teenager who is still finding her identity and all that worthless shitless crap, stop it. As a matter a fact, I'd say that actually I thought I had it figured out waaayyy back then since I entered Form Two or so.

But lately, with all that stupid 16 drama that somehow magically happens (my ass), I find myself doubting every second of what I had thought of back then. For instance, a very simple one, when everyone (especially my sister) were so undecided about what they wanted to do in the future, I would secretly scoff and told them proudly I knew what I wanted. I couldn't be an illustrator or cartoonist, so I would work with my language skills and become a linguist or something to do with language. But now, I find myself wondering if I had really wanted to study linguistics; it's too broad, too general.

This happened a few months ago, right at the start of the year I suppose, so now I conclude that as time passes by and you start growing up, you somehow find yourself weighing and considering more options you had never thought of when you were much younger. Is this a sign of maturity? Or is it a sign of downright indecision that starts to cloud your mind?


Anyways, moving on, chemistry today. Someone said something, and that something made me think of another thing. Maybe it's just me, but truthfully I am a very self-conscious person (sounds obnoxious, but don't judge, this is the raw side of me). So when that someone said something, I wondered, what do friends see you as in their own mind anyway? First they see the first impressions you leave on them, and because you weren't very sure of yourself, you tend to shut off the wilder, more fun-seeking side of yourself, and try to start building a good relationship with your friends.

And from that moment onwards, your friends you see as the person in the first impressions you had left on them, and never thought of anything else.

But as time passes by and you get more comfortable, it starts to leak out. You start being the one you supposed it was you, the bolder side of you, and not some rebellious streak that came at the wrong place wrong time. But somehow, maybe your friends aren't used to the one they are seeing now, or maybe they just have personal issues against something you don't know. I don't know. And they start whispering things that somehow like my friend has said, catches up with you and you catch hold of them.

Is it correct? Are friends not the ones who should accept for who you are alongside with your family? What is it that I have done so insensitively to make you feel like this? Tell me, and I'll work on it. But just something I'd like to share, right up to the moment before I heard about that 'something', even though I was busy doing something else, I felt quite happy for the first time since I graduated from primary school. I know, I have friends now that I cherish even more than my primary school ones, but I felt as if despite all the chaos happening, I was starting to creep out of that shell around me ever since I built it after form one, daring to show frustration and anger and not keep a silly "everything's my fault and not yours even though actually it's yours and you're angering me like hell and deep down I feel like skinning you" smile.

Those who read this might think all this while I'm fake and all, but it's just another teenage problematic phase I'm recovering from right now, and I'm glad I'm getting out of it because I'm sick of it.

So just when I thought things were going fine, it jumped out on me so suddenly. Am I wrong? Yes, I think I'm partly at fault for not warning what kind of person I am, but if it's not all about this, then why don't you just tell me? Have I neglected you? If I did, then I'm sorry, I didn't think you needed me because you looked fine to me, though looks can be deceiving.


Things are easier said than done, that is something I know and understand. It's just like I actually have the guts to write this all down and show it to the world but I might not have what it takes to fully crawl out of that old shell in just a matter of minutes, doing a 360 degrees turn.

But I'm working on it, so why can't you work on telling me what you think I did wrong straight to my face? I'm not some fragile piece of china antique, even though I can't believe and had a hard time swallowing the fact that someone said that, but at least after some time's thinking, I realised it was a good chance for me to self-reflect on what I was doing lately, as I seem to lose track of my actions due to the busy-ness in school. So I thank you for saying that, because right now I am more aware of my actions, but it would still be good to give me a reason/explanation on why you said that.


Honestly, I would really appreciate it if you did. Thanks.



This post might contain some typos or grammatical error because I'm using my sister's Mac to type, and it's quite tiring since it feels weird and I'm exhausted from this whole week's activities, so yeah.

Good night.

Overspill

Don't mean to sound like some conceited person but after a few days of not checking my inbox, I sure do have a LOT of mail-reading to catch up!

Good god.


Sigh, right now, all I want to do is just flop down in my bed, hot cup of ocha by my side and a book in hand. I've bought quite a number for the past two weeks, and that's the main contributing factor I'm penniless right now.

How am I supposed to survive for the rest of the month? (No, don't answer that, it's obviously a rhetorical question.)


My english is getting from bad to the worst. I need to brush up.


Anyways, chaos and all that shit aside, life's been okay I guess. I'm just glad I bought a lot of books that I think I will read (yay) and after this whole thingweek is over, I will have time before UF2 to read a couple of good books.

Goodynight peeps. Off to rush for CC stuff. And yet, another sleepless, tiring night.



Honestly, I should sign myself up for an apprenticeship with Superwoman. Why not Wonder woman? Because Superwoman is non-existent, thus making this whole thing pointless. What the hell am I crapping about? I have no idea, nor should you ask. Anyways, shutting up now and signing off. Goodbye, and sleep tight. Sleep for me since I can't (nope, not a vampire, I'm not perfect nor am I unrealistic) and so tata.

Hanging on

Gah, STUPID CLIFFHANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's like, the 500th chapter, and Kishimoto-sensei has definitely given us a nice, lovely scene when Naruto was born, BUT GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUST HE LEAVE IT IN A STUPID CLIFFANGER WHEN THAT STUPID MASKED MAN (Uchiha Madara, I suspect) SNATCHES NARUTO AWAY???!!!

Duh, of course I know what happened next, but I'd love to read the details. Gah, Kishimoto you- you- darn, I can't curse him, or the world won't have anymore Naruto chapters to read.


Bleh. Another week. Precisely the reason I don't like pursuing ongoing stuff; you just have to wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait..............

until there's no tomorrow.

It's July now...

The time where summer starts getting ugly, I suppose.

On a side note, 'What Happened to Goodbye' will be out in May 2011, according to her blog. yes! I will look foward to the day get to read an excerpt from her website!!! (evil, toothless grin)


Can you believe it? July is here already. In a moment, everything flashes by, and you're left standing, wondering what the hell had just happened.

What did I exactly (besides procrastinating) do for the past six months?

Moment of enlightenment

Was supposed to sit for the UNSW Writing exam today. Note, SUPPOSED. Our school didn't have enough people to participate in the exam (because it's ONLY RM55 for an INTERNATIONAL standard paper, coughcoughcheapskatescoughcough) so we were sort of like disqualified.


I know what I say next might be offensive, but honestly, people should really think more about their future and how participating in more global activities can help them gain the upper hand when they step out into society. It's not all about A's, you know. You're just an empty shell if youonly have stupid strings of A's within your grasp.

Plus, what are you going to tell your grandkids and grand-relatives next time when you look back? Surely not something like "I remember when I was in high school, I had no life. I only studied my ass off to acheive straight A's."

:/

Well, maybe you want that, but not me. I want to tell something great and awesome to someone when I grow up, so that when I look back, I can say at least I did something for the school and myself.

Of course, I don't mean tiring yourself out with endless projects and taking them all when you can't handle them! God, that would suck. I just think we should manage and divide out time proportionally to try as much as possible to enjoy life. Life is a bitch, doubtlessly, so I feel we should try to overcome it and make it the best we can.



Wondering what made me write this, I don't really type stuff like this for people to see cos' I know youngsters our age don't really like listening to advice like this (to the point where it sometimes becomes some annoying self-righteousness lame shit). Not that I enjoy them, but we really gain lots of positive things as long as we don't misinterpretate the message and stop being so judgemental.

Off to complete my side projects if possible. Toodles.

Where's my next stop?

I look ridiculous right now. Honest. It's a haircut I don't think I ever had before, though mum says it looks the same as many of those I had way back then.

Hn. Whatever. I finally managed to step across the barrier and part with my hair. Sigh, my head feels so light suddenly.

Off to complete my ELS button dolls and find more stuff for CC, not to mention I haven't done ANY homework at all and my moral assignment's still waiting for me. This is going to be a very busy week again.


Sigh.


P.S: It sucks so much when there aren't any 'The Girl Who Could Fly' fandoms on FFN at all. Gah. @#$%^&*

The beginning after the end

Somehow, I had difficulties spelling the word 'beginning', and I had to consult my trusty dictionary that has been with me since Standard 5.

This is worrisome. Oh dear.

Anyways, mid-years are over, ad what's left is a pile of homework I've procrastinated completing since yongst years. Meh, whatever. These can come later, right now, I just want to enjoy the peace and silence in the dead of the night. It's a wonderful thing, you know, when everyone's asleep and you're the only one awake in your house, music blasting in your ears, checking on the status updates on FB, etc. I think I deserve this, even though it won't be a pretty sight tomorrow morning (probably won't be able to wake up).

Gah, I couldn't care less. Gah.


FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE ALERT JUST A FEW HOURS AGO DURING DUSK, THERE WAS AN ECLIPSE! AND FREAKING HELL I WITNESSED IT!!! YESH!!!!!!!!!!! I ROCK MY SOCKS AND LIVE IN A BOX!!!!

Haha, captured a few pictures, okay, two to be specific. But I missed the full lunar eclipse though, I only saw the back part. I suspect the peak of the lunar eclipse happened at six something when the sky was still bright. Hm, shame, but still, I WITNESSED MY FIRST FREAKING LUNAR ECLIPSE!!!!!!!! YESH!!!!!!!!! AFTER SIXTEEN YEARS OF LIVING!

Shall post the pictures later when I feel like it.


On a side note, I have just finished 'The Girl Who Could Fly' by Victoria Forester and it was AWESOME. Well, a few things I thought were just so-so (can't really put a name to it though) but some parts were just SUPERB!!!! I recommend it to everyone especially poeple who like fantasy stories!!! It's a MUST-READ I tell you! MUST READ! IT'S A 4.99/5.00 STAR BOOK!!!!

Okay, the 0.01 percent went missing for some unknown reason. But still, it's the best book I've read so far in the past few months. I'd love a sequel!!! Go Victoria Forester!!!!! Stop screenwriting and start on a new book already damn it! Hint hint! Sequels are fantabulous!


My mum says I'm going my front hair's going bald. So, after lots and lots of serious overthinking and opinions from some friends I asked, I think to save my future forehead and front hair from being ruined (as well as my chances of getting into a high class private company to work in), I am going to cut a hideous fringe tomorrow at the barber's.

But I'll still consult the barber first and ask him for opinions. After all, he is the pro, and if it looks hideously horible, I could always blame it on him (THE BLAME GAME).


Lol, kidding. The decision is still up to me. I've developed a close bond with my front hair for more than a year already, it's so long that I could just flip it back to my shoulder!! So... after all that keeping and resistance to the deadly scissors, it's kinda hard to part with something you're attached too. (sniffs)

But don't be surprised if I actually showed up in school on Monday with a fringe. Not that I think many people care, but gah, whatever. I'm a bit too sleepy to phrase my choice of words correctly (and precisely), so excuse any of my mistakes in this post.

In conjunction with my 250th post on blogger (i.e the last two posts), I decided to type it in chinese to make it a bit more special. :D But basically it's about the "what-if's" in life, doubt you'd want to read it anyway.


It's been a while since I've written such a long post, and it feels weird. Hmm.

Off to sleep. Goodnight, world. Please don't appear in my dreams and give me one hell of a stupid headache tomorrow morning. Many thanks in advance.