Self esteem and insecurity issues aside, August is coming.

And for me, August is a month filled with personal activities I hope everything works out fine.

First, there's EXO's supposed comeback (just where on earth are the teasers damn it I want to hear Baby Don't Cry full version ok sment stop trolling it's probably all you're good at ugh), and music stages and voting and cheering and monitoring all their performances while drooling over their perfection and otp moments and asdcjkashdckjasgdlkcjgeuasgc dealing with feeeeeeeeeeeeeeelsss

I wonder if there'll be photocards this time I hope there are need to see oppas' faces akshdjasyewgdjks >.<

Also, there's that rumoured Super Junior 6jib repackaged album coming out with new songs so damn awesome once us ELFs hear it we'll faint and die on the spot, according to Leeteuk. And I wanna see a new MV for their new single hit ;___;

The korean remake of Hana Kimi is airing on good ol' August too. This is the first time I'm actually excited about a Korean drama airing because mah precious EXO babies are in there even though they're only extras all I want to see is their faces and acting even if it's only lifting a chair or something I don't give a damn about Minho and Sulli melikes the manga good enough nothing can ever compare to the original manga unless To the Beautiful You is actually gonna follow the entire plot of the manga then there's a chance my opinion will change.

On a side note WHY IS YESUNG NOT IN THE DRAMA DAMN IT HE SHOULD BE PLAYING TAIKI FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HE WAS BORN TO PLAY THE ROLE OF TAIKI WAEE SMENT WAEEEE Y U NO GIVE HIM TAIKI'S ROLE?? :((

And speaking of Yesung, AUGUST 24TH IS A SACRED DAY FOR ME BECAUSE DUDE IT'S KIM JONGWOON'S BIRTHDAY GONNA WRITE A LONG APPRECIATION POST ON TUMBLR DEDICATED TO THIS PERFECT CREATION IDGAF IF I HAVE EXAMS THE NEXT DAY OR NOT AND I'M GONNA REBLOG ALL THE YESUNG PHOTOS WHEEEEEEEEEEEE


Next week officially starts my studying period. Halfway through this post I had to send my brother for his drum lessons and on the road home, I finally told myself out loud that I really need to try and buck up my grades, because it's proven (in my case) that people do actually look down on you when you have grades lower than theirs. It's an undeniable fact that happens to the majority of today's society. No, don't deny it, because when I say 'look down' it actually has many stages. You can be friends with someone who isn't really the smartass of your group, but usually you won't turn to her whenever you need an opinion or help unless it's the last resort, usually in academics even if she offers you the correct answer to your question there is still that seed of doubt that makes you distrust her. It has happened on my case numerous times, even with my best friends I'll be honest, I'm not going to turn a blind eye on this matter anymore. Whenever it happens, it really hurts me but looking back, all I did was wallow in self-pity and sometimes cry on the inside about it, then ignore it and go back to deluding myself with things that can make me happy.

Right now, I'm going to try my best to study hard. I don't know how far I can go and stick with this... regime (yes, regime, it's like a battlefield for me therefore my choice of word is justified). Weekdays study all I can and occasionally relax while Tuesdays and Fridays stay back in school with friends who I can turn to for answers and are willing to help me, while Friday nights and weekends I can go online and catch up on what I missed out on my fandoms unless exams are near and I need to study.

I really have to thank my school camp and team for this, it's because of them I finally hardened my resolve to study harder and try my best to get at least 2 A's out of 4 subjects. I felt really insignificant sometimes when I was with them because hello they're all smart people with amazing grades while I'm just a nobody who's stuck in kpop escapism to help deal and cope with my unhappiness for much too long. I don't deny it. K-pop is an escape for us all unhappy people, we love our fandoms because it makes us happy, seeing them makes us happy, and it does help us to forget or ignore about shitty things that's happening around us. It's wayyyyy better than drugs (gosh I should introduce kpop to drug addicts this is such a fucking good idea) and to be honest I'm never leaving my fandoms behind no matter what, but I think it's high time I started taking my grades seriously or else I think I'm never getting into med school.

I don't even know if studying medicine is my dream but at least it's somewhere I can go. I know I probably won't have time for fandoms if I actually study medicine (just look at sis -.-), but it's a clear path for me even if I'm not particularly fond of it.

So, I guess that's all for now. It won't be so bad, I think I'm setting a realistic goal for myself because it's me myself I'm fighting for, no one else.

I just hope I survive.

home again.

Camp was a blast. Really, this is one of the best camps I've ever attended, and it's all thanks to the awesome team I'm in. I've laughed so much for the past two days I'm really surprised yet glad at the same time because it's been so long since human interaction in real life got me to laugh so damn hard I think I almost spilled my guts.

It's all thanks to my team, really. Those moodmakers with endless random comments that pop out of nowhere and take us all by surprise. Without them, my camp experience would be vastly different I think I wouldn't even enjoy it as much as I do now. Talent time preparation started off okay for me, the getting-to-know-each-other stage and all, then towards the actual camping day I started to dread practices because it took up a lot of time and I really got phobic of staying back to finish up projects and stuff after last year's experience. Plus informal rehearsals always land exactly when lunch breaks end and me being a punctuality freak, well, it really wrecked my nerves.

But the two days of camp really changed my mind. I think our team bond is extremely strong, except for me. I feel bad for not being able to contribute more like how other people do. Especially today during our last game. I felt really helpless because everyone had a role and I had none, and that made me feel really left out I suppose. I can't make funny jokes, the stuff I say are lame (no one seems to laugh), and all I can do is draw and help design stuff but compared to others teams I'm still lacking a lot. So on the bus back to college I was pretty much just dwelling in the lowest pits of emotions and occasionally laughing to Mr Lim's awesome and hilarious Fantastic Baby dance.

But, lunch made up for it. We had our last meal as a team and the jokes really made me laugh my ass off I don't think I ever laughed so hard during mealtimes before. Really gotta salute the moodmakers. I think our table atmosphere was the best out of all and it was, indeed, a happy meal! I think I 'laughed till I was full' instead of 'ate till I was full'. Truly awesome. Selfish as I maybe for saying this, but when I look back I think happiness was really the most important thing instead of contribution. I'm not saying that contribution isn't important. It is. But let's just say even if I were to contribute a lot to a group yet didn't feel happy at all it would've been pointless.

Contribution is important yes indeed it is, but enjoying the whole camp is too. I did contribute to my team, but I just feel that in terms of physical games like sandcastle-building and the item game I really didn't help at all. And it's just sad because it made me feel like maybe, maybe I'm really not that important to the team and that they don't like me.

That's the thing about strangers. You don't know their opinion of you and so you create barriers and ground limits as to not invade personal space and stuff.

But that's just my self-esteem issues with a touch of reality. Overall camp was AWESOME. Our teamwork was good, especially when we played the chair-passing game (though I accidentally hit the forehead of the guy who was in front of me I AM SO SORRY ><) and basically, we had fun. Lots of fun. Filled with laughter and cheers.

Thank you Brown Team! Wouldn't want to be in any other team but Team Brown!

Boys Like Girls "Be Your Everything" Official Lyric Video

I stood up for myself today.

And it felt good.

So.

Things are starting to get busy again. How long has it been since I've designed T-shirts and started worrying about this and that?

Do I miss it? Do I miss those busy, hectic moments of high school where I just feel my lifespan has been shortened by a few decades?

It's an experience, an unforgettable experience in which I learned a lot, but no, I don't miss it.

I hate being a hypocrite.

It's my blog. I post what I want.

I reblog what I want.

Why is it that I'm afraid of actually doing it when I always tell people it's their rights to do so?

I need to stand up for myself. 

I shouldn't budge for other people and create unnecessary trouble for myself. Sometimes I need to be a bit more selfish. I used to think the happiness of others is much more important than mine, because when they're happy I'll be happy. But as time passes I find that it's not the case. Sometimes you feel worse because inside you're suffering silently and the negativity just swallows you whole. 

I haven't felt like this for a long time. I guess it has come back to haunt me again.

Super Junior_Sexy, Free & Single_Music Video

Okay guys (if anybody's reading this anyway) I'm sharing this video as much as I can to help them fare better on the charts so prepare yourself for constant sharing of this awesome MV from time to time.

SUPER JUNIOR FIGHTING. 6JIB JJANG!