Upset. Really upset now.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate how time is simply not on my side? Fuck this.

Okay, so here's what you're going to do, dear self, take a shower right now, grab pen and paper, start scribbling, open words, and just start typing. You have two weeks, forget studying. Fucking tests took up your fucking month and caused all this fucking shit anyway.

if those fucking tests never happened or got crammed into one week (IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED) this wouldn't have happened and you wouldn't be so upset. Fuck those teachers. Our results were destined to suck shit anyway so why bother?

My obligations to studying and being a good student is just so vexing this is like the nth time I'm getting upset over something I never once did. Priorities are shit. You can't have the best of both worlds, but it just sucks, fucking sucks when you lose something you love so so much because of something you hate but have to do just because it's your fucking responsibility.

Fuck this.

That moment when you see something you love taken away from you. Okay, gonna take a shower now, calm down. it's okay.

Two weeks. I won't be studying, unless I finish four out of eight titles on my fic list. Late nights here I come.I don't care that I'm exhausted from late nights and stress for the past two or three weeks because my creativity and originality is at stake here. Wait, or more like it has already been taken away from me anyway. These two are very important to me, and I can't afford to lose them again over my studies. I'm unhappy when I study, I'm unhappy when I realise things didn't work out the way I wanted them to be, so why bother? I want happiness, everyone does (contradict me and I will personally hunt you down and fucking slit your wrists because I am just pissed right now), so why am I pushing it away?

I studied. I fucking studied and put aside the things I loved doing thinking it'd be okay, and look where it got me. Anger and upset.

Two weeks. Watch out. I'm coming.

a much more cheerful post this time.

Boys Like Girl's new album this fall - Crazy World.

Holy shit. During summer SJ's releasing their 6th album, while rumour has it EXO is gonna release a full-length album during summer as well. And now BLG.

Wow, fantastic baby.

Life rocks. Until you think of exams and then it goes back to being sucky.

Can't wait until they release their single!! Will keep a lookout for BLG songs on radio!

people only want you to say things they want to hear.

it's an acknowledged fact no one can ever deny.

it happens to me too. but i guess ever since i've known this fact i've become more aware.

when you reject and deny opinions of others you push others away and cut off the efforts of others trying to communicate with you, when all you wanted was people to hear you out and listen to your ideals, foolish or not. it's an opposite effect of the action humans always take, kind of stupid actually. but who am i to say? because it happens to me too, despite how much i try to avoid this kind of behaviour.

oh well, new philosophy of my life since eons ago: don't think or care too much. people pursue happiness, so why shouldn't i? if it's doesn't have much of a negative impact just let it slide, so life can be easier. simplicity is never simple, ironically. 

i wonder if one day i will sink until there's no turning back? 

on a side note, i think e.e cummings is the best poet ever. i like his poems. gonna go look for more of his online because my shitty local bookstores are ignorant dimwits who think the only books in the world are the twilight saga, harry potter and a bunch of mystery romance novels that no one here gives a shit about. sad. the literary knowledge here is so limited it vexes me to no end. 

like i said, sad. 

because everything in this world is. it's just a matter of whether you choose to take which side. shades of grey are created by two-faced people, so it doesn't count, because all they do is to look on which side the grass is greener and start jumping ships every time the tide changes. 

sad.

for now, just let me dwell on the sad side for a while before i resume my daily ignorant bliss. it's coming along pretty well now, i don't feel aching anymore so it's good. 

okay, bye. peace out.

I was wrong.

We really do have a biology test this week, Thursday, the day after tomorrow.

Shit.

And our teacher just dropped the bombshell on us today like nobody's business, as if it's not the end of the world. Okay fine, it's not. But close to.

Thank you so much dear schoolmates for requesting for the stupid biology test when we've already gotten our hands full of Maths equations and shit. Oh what was that phrase we use to tell someone extremely annoying again? Oh yeah, fuck you! Thanks to you we even have an extra test next week for the next half of biology chapters when we were supposed to end all those stupid tests this week and kick back and enjoy the last week of school before our two-week break.

Just because your class might want to have a test doesn't mean our class would.

Okay, rant's over. Bye.


Because Maths loves me that much.


But I don't reciprocate.

Too bad.

i wish my fingers can keep up with my head and i wish time is by my side

i wish I could write down everything in one go so I don't have to worry about being called unoriginal even though I thought of it way long ago before anybody else. I wish time was by my side and I don't have to worry about stupid tests and having to study so I'll pass because I'm as stupid as fuck and a-levels needs days of studying beforehand and it eats up so so much of my writing time and it kills all the plot bunnies with all the fucking codons and enthalpy change of formation and giant molecular structures I need to cram into my head the creativity just dies a little more each time it's so saddening I wish it didn't happen I wish I could write down everything and not get writer's block so it'll end faster and I can post it and be the first one to do it instead of being called a copy cat even though I had the idea weeks ago but couldn't write it down because of fucking tests and exams this is why I wish I didn't need sleep so the creative juices can just flow and I won't need to think about them all the time and be afraid of people judging me because I just fucking hate it I hate tests because I have to study days before and lose my inspiration like that it's like watching your favourite drink or hard work go down the drain just like that it hurts so much I wish it didn't happen

what is the pursuit of happiness?

is turning to things that make you happy in times of sadness and melancholy a form of pursuing happiness or just an act of blocking and running away from the things that you don't want to face and think of?

So.

So.

It's May. And life? Life is good, when it doesn't suck. I'm such a genius.

Chem test has just ended today, and my shoulders feel so much more lighter than it has been for the past week.

And I just realised my dependency on the internet is really ridiculous now I think. Well, okay, not really. Come to think of it I've been putting myself on a restraining order from my computer for the past three days, all because of my dear chemistry test. So I won't call it a dependency because I'm not an invalid, but it is pretty much the thing my life revolves around so erm yeah okay shutting up now because everything about this just spells a w k w a r d lalalalalalalalalalala~~

But internet-restraints are gonna go on for next week too, as seeing I have two Maths tests on Wednesday and Friday respectively. Sigh. But never mind, our physics teacher doesn't seem keen on giving us a physics test, and we just had our Bio one two weeks ago so I guess next week's gonna be the last test-weeks before our May holidays (hoooooooraaaayyyyyyyyyyy)!!!

My schedule for the holiday is all written out (in my head): write, put my ideas down onto paper MS Word, Tumblr all day like a boss, stalk LJ for fic updates, check YT for video updates occasionally, eat, sleep, breathe and yeah that's pretty much all. Studying is not an option, unless one day gravity loves me too much and I fall and knock my head, get a concussion and I get an epiphany to be a good girl only then will my notes appear magically in my hands and my eyes focused on them and lol what on sweet earth am I blabbering about this makes no sense okay I'll stop.

TIME IS NOT ON MY SIDE DSAIJDHKULGHYWAEGLWA TWO WEEKS IS NOT ENOUGH TO WRITE EVERYTHING IN MY HEAD GAH WAJKJSDHIUHUIWERYI.

If sporadic updates occur consistently on this blog I'm really thinking of leaving Blogger and moving to Tumblr. But it's just a thought, no concrete resolutions yet. :/

When I'm feeling brave, or really sad I'll just write out everything that's going through my head here. But repeat, only when I'm sad or especially brave and don't give a fuck or two about her anyone seeing it. Bleh. I'll write it down if I ever feel what I felt today in school again, because the whole thing is just insanely ridiculous ugh i'm not gonna let years of best-friendship go down the drain like that just because of my insecurities and feelings.

But for now, Tumblr and K-pop.

Why?

Because it makes me happy. Like a drug. Deal with it.

Peace out.